Tuesday, May 25, 2004


i'm stressed, and if i start tearing my hair out i'll look exactly like the Scream! Had 2 german exams today - the first was listening and that was ok, the second was reading and it was 2 hours and i did it all in about 1h30, including checking/redoing questions etc, and i was sitting there bored (and hungry) for half an hour. what a waste of time! (and life!) They should let yu leave an exam when you want to, so u can use that time to revise for your other exams! otherwise its a total waste of time, sitting there doing nothing. That half hour won't be coming back you know! In the end the teachers got fed up with the sight of me doing nothing except looking bored and at one point drawing the scream with captions (like "ach nein, es gibt die prufungen!", meaning "oh no, it's the exams!") on my exam paper cos i was so bored and had so much time. I hope i get a really good grade to show them that i actually did do some work in that exam, cos they seemed to think i did nothing. no exams tomorrow, but psychology on thursday - 2 exams! i am confident about one of them but not the other, cos i couldnt fit the lessons in my timetable cos of clashes and stuff, so i have to teach myself psychology, and i didnt have the time to learn the second exam. I got an A in the january exam and i hope i get an A or B this time round to prove that i really can do it (especially want to prove myself to the german teacher that i can do both psychology and german cos shes not too pleased that i once nearly dropped german in favour of psychology...)
Parents r v. stressy tonight too. mum got pissed off cos we were checking the email and she wanted to send some emails and we (me and my brother) had forgotten so we logged off, and she was all annoyed and so we apologised and said "hey we can log back on and send them now", but she still got pissed off at us and stomped off (had one of her minor tantrums that she has every day).
Can't decide what subjects to do next year - i'm thinking of taking biology, chemistry, psychology and german, then dropping german after a while (i said i'd at least try to do it next year), and dropping psychology lessons (cos the teacher is apparantly crap) but still doing psychology (i.e. teaching myself and doing the exams, just not doing the lessons) - the only problem with this plan is that it's got one module of coursework next year. oh dear. :-(

Monday, May 24, 2004

Exam season is upon us...

Had a maths (mechanics) exam and 2 general studies exams today (both AS's). GS was easy but maths was hard and i couldnt answer half the questions cos i didnt know what to do, and i thought id better look like i was doing something other than just sitting there staring at my paper, so i drew "the scream" on my exam paper. I hope maths examiners have a sense of humour. Maybe they feel the same way as they sit there marking thousands of exam papers day after day right through the summer...

How I Feel About Exams Posted by Hello

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Re the Condom Incident and other stories

Just realised i shouldn't have put "stories" in the title of that last post as it made it sound like it was a story as in a made-up thing. That post was actually all true. Just to clear up any confusion. Any stories (fictions) that i write are gonna be published in another (separate) blog.

the Condom Incident and other stories

As you can see from many of my posts, comedy is a big part of my life. A good sense of humour is supposed to be a sign of high intelligence, too. I once heard that people with large frontal lobes in their brains like "Have I Got News For You"-type humour, while people with smaller ones prefer "Benny Hill"-type humour. (What if you like both?)
Well now im gonna use this blog for more than random jokes and mullet cults - i'm gonna tell you about some funny stuff that's actually happened to me. I'll start with "the condom incident".
Our school is (coincidentially) within walking distance of a family planning clinic, but i'd only recently discovered it because the council have cleverly hidden it behind the library and the only signposts point to "The Central Clinic". (If they said "The Condom Clinic" it would have been a bit more obvious.) Someone in my class tells everyone that this clinic lets you have a dozen free condoms per month if you just go there, register and ask, so me and 3 male friends plan to go there. At first the guys get very hesitant and boyish and all that so i go in and (politely and earnestly) ask for condoms for me and my friends, but the nice lady tells me that she can give me my condoms but i can't pick up condoms for anyone else cos it's a confidential service. I get my condoms and tell the guys how easy it was but they need to get their own. So they walk in and Will says loudly "I want condoms!" The other 2 were very embarrassed by this. They got them in the end but the lady gave Malc some weird looks (probably cos of his weird looks).
When we get back to school we decide to see if we can get them over our heads. I go first and just as i get it over my hair, one of my teachers walks past... argh... did she see? did she realise what it was? I also got paranoid cos afterwards my hair seemed to smell of lubricant, so i washed it and sprayed all kinds of deodorant over it.
The best bit is coming... we decide to fill condoms with water (some ppl are outside the 6th form block and it's a hot day and we consider throwing them at them...) and it turns out to be a heck of a challenge cos once they're full of water they become really hard to carry. (if you try this at home you'll probably need help from 1 or more persons). As we carry one outside it gets tricky so we put it on top of a shed... and it immediately explodes! There is something strangely fun about that. It's also fun to plant condoms (especially opened/used-looking ones) in/on the bags of conservative people (as i have done), and watch Will putting a condom on his head (he has now mastered the art and can get it completely over his head and half his face, including over his nose, and breathe into it to make it blow up...). If i ever find a photo of it I'll have to add it to this blog, it was seriously sooo funny!
The above pranks are about the most fun you can have with condoms (other than their intended use) and i reckon that half the condoms given out by these clinics are used in these sorta ways. This must be why they've (supposedly) made A-Levels easier - cos students are spending time blowing up condoms instead of studying! (Altho there's nothing wrong with having fun, cos youre only young once! Exams are such a treadmill now that i'm beginning to spend more time blogging instead of revising, even though i have maths and general studies AS exams tomorrow!)
Another student way to have fun is mess about in school photos. The sixth form recently had to retake our photos because of one cool bloke in year 13 who dropped his trousers as the photo was taken. A few years ago we had one of those big photos of all the school and someone in the lower years whacked the guy next to him in the balls at the moment the photo was taken, and if you look carefully at the photo you can see him with his mouth open, yelling in pain. In a couple of years (sadly 1 year after i will have left) the school is going to have one of those long ones where you can stand at one end and run over to the other end so you appear in the photo twice.
Well that's all for today, I'm off to try and revise for 2 of the most boring/pointless subjects ever.
See ya.

Great Thinkers Of Our Time - part 1


Actual Quotations

1. Question: if you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because, if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever" -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

2. "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean, I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff" -- Mariah Carey.

3. "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are" -- Mat Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22.

4. "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law" -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

5. "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life" -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal antismoking campaign.

6. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees" -- Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks.

7. "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president" -- Hillary Clinton, commenting on the release of subopened documents.

8. "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese" -- former French President Charles de Gaulle.

9. "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country" -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

10. "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it" -- Former US Vice President, Dan Quayle.

Mental Health Service Answerphone

Hello, and welcome to the mental health helpline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.

Thank you for calling.

Michael Moore wins Cannes film festival :-)

twas on the news today that Mike Moore ("Dude Wheres my Country", "Bowling for Columbine" etc) has won the Cannes Film festival prize for best film for "Fahrenheit 9/11", an anti-Bush documentary. This is gonna cause controversy in America but i think its great that this guy is speaking out against an idiot president whos just got his people into big trouble - invading Iraq has just given the arabs another reason to attack the west! This is hardly gonna help the "war on terror". Apparantly some of the top psychologists in america worked out the IQs of the presidents of the last 50 years and Bush came last. It shows.
"Test the Nation: The National IQ Test" was on TV again last night - i got 127, my brother got 124, and my dad got 116. My mum quit after a couple of questions so we have no idea what shed have got but i reckon that if u give up quickly it cld be a sign of low IQ. :-S

The Mullets Are Moving ...

The Mullet Religion now has its own blog, click here.

My Profile Picture Posted by Hello

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Cool Music 2

aaarrgh i forgot to put The Beatles in that list! How could i forget them??
Anyway im now listening to "mother" by John Lennon. He rocks and will live forever in the hearts and minds of the coolest people.

Cool Music

As you'll have seen from my earlier post, i'm rather fond of the rock band The Darkness, in particular their singer Justin Hawkins. (If u havent done it already, buy their album "Permission To Land"). So now im gonna tell you about some other music I like.
Right now as i type i'm listening to the Dropkick Murphys (listening to "Kiss Me I'm Shitfaced" from the album "Blackout") - a bunch of guys from Boston who pretend to be Irish, play folk-punk, and totally rock! I'd also like to recommend the following bands (long list): Bon Jovi, Idlewild, Aerosmith, HIM, Led Zeppelin, Cheap Trick, Def Leppard, AC/DC, NOFX, Less Than Jake, The Distillers, Bowling For Soup, Funeral For A Friend, Rancid, Dead Kennedys, Hundred Reasons, The MC5, The Clash, Black Sabbath, Bad Religion, 'A', Goldfinger, Reel Big Fish, Oasis, Red Hot Chili Peppers, The Sex Pistols, Judas Priest, Linkin Park, Muse, Lostprophets, Jet, The Buzzcocks, American Hi Fi, Foo Fighters, Guns N' Roses, Franz Ferdinand.
That should keep the ears of any of my readers busy for a while.

Also check out Once Over, a local ska band whose bassist is in my class.

PS Was hoping to go to some gigs this year - including the Download Festival - but exams got in the way! :-( bugger

Pat Sharp - the Mullet God Posted by Hello

mullet religion 2

oh and another interesting (and useless) fact about mullets is that a female mullet is called a fullet. i think im gonna obsess about this hairstyle for a while.
Hairboutique's Mullet Links.

Mullet Religion !

Im not religious or mulletted but ive decided to start a mullet religion. Mullet as in haircut not fish. this seems random (but hey arent blogs meant to be full of random stuff?) but i think it could catch on - theres many mullets in the world. Gucci even tried to make them fashionable in 1999 (they did a modern version of it) - look here!
This idea was inspired by the "rent-a-slave" at our school (a high school with sixth-form, and im in the lower sixth) - to raise money for the leavers ball we're letting people pay money to rent upper-sixths as slaves for one school day, and to publicise it we were allowed to put posters around the school. The guys who made the posters put cult TV stars like jeremy beadle, william shatner and pat sharp on the posters, commanding kids to do their bit for the ball and buy a slave. One of the many pat sharp posters said "Mullet is Religion" - if youve never watched "Fun House" you've missed out on the sight of Pat's long blonde mullet (and a bloody good kids' game show too). Pat sharp has a cult following in our sixth form and we actually miss "fun house", the tv show of our childhoods. (we are truly children of the 90s).
as soon as i got home i decided to search good old Google for a "mullet religion" and although i found lots of search results, i didnt seem to have found a religion that worships mullets. I found this strange and searched for a "pat sharp religion" and again found many results (including the amusing "sharp religion" zen site) but still no cult for the cool australian dude.
So I've decided to start my own. Who wants to join me in the search for eternal mulletude?

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

first post!

hello reader,
this is my first post. i am a student, aged 17, pen-name "Hel Fire", and as a hobby im gonna blog a bit (seeing as its the latest web craze and all that) and im also gonna use it to publish a few "blogstories" or "blognovels". im working on 2 at the moment: one is about a jaded music journalist and the cynical magazine he works for, and the other is sort of a bit of a social satire about a teenage goth. ill also be posting links and jokes and random stuff too.
meanwhile, id like to blatantly publicise my webistes, www.7800df1.tk (online since i was 15, bits of it aint been updated or changed in ages...) and www.7800df2.tk (newer). these sites are mostly rock music fan sites - 7800df1 is more about bon jovi and 7800df2 is more about the darkness and HIM (also known as H.I.M. and His Infernal Majesty ). and my brother has an aerosmith fansite (www.geocities.com/aeronutter/home.html) but he aint done anything on it for ages.
also recommend thedarknessrock.com, drycounty.com, himonline.tv, bored.com, ukmix.net and thespark.com.
ill update this as soon as im on holiday and have time. please post any comments on this site!
til next time.
Helen Fire.