Sunday, May 23, 2004

the Condom Incident and other stories

As you can see from many of my posts, comedy is a big part of my life. A good sense of humour is supposed to be a sign of high intelligence, too. I once heard that people with large frontal lobes in their brains like "Have I Got News For You"-type humour, while people with smaller ones prefer "Benny Hill"-type humour. (What if you like both?)
Well now im gonna use this blog for more than random jokes and mullet cults - i'm gonna tell you about some funny stuff that's actually happened to me. I'll start with "the condom incident".
Our school is (coincidentially) within walking distance of a family planning clinic, but i'd only recently discovered it because the council have cleverly hidden it behind the library and the only signposts point to "The Central Clinic". (If they said "The Condom Clinic" it would have been a bit more obvious.) Someone in my class tells everyone that this clinic lets you have a dozen free condoms per month if you just go there, register and ask, so me and 3 male friends plan to go there. At first the guys get very hesitant and boyish and all that so i go in and (politely and earnestly) ask for condoms for me and my friends, but the nice lady tells me that she can give me my condoms but i can't pick up condoms for anyone else cos it's a confidential service. I get my condoms and tell the guys how easy it was but they need to get their own. So they walk in and Will says loudly "I want condoms!" The other 2 were very embarrassed by this. They got them in the end but the lady gave Malc some weird looks (probably cos of his weird looks).
When we get back to school we decide to see if we can get them over our heads. I go first and just as i get it over my hair, one of my teachers walks past... argh... did she see? did she realise what it was? I also got paranoid cos afterwards my hair seemed to smell of lubricant, so i washed it and sprayed all kinds of deodorant over it.
The best bit is coming... we decide to fill condoms with water (some ppl are outside the 6th form block and it's a hot day and we consider throwing them at them...) and it turns out to be a heck of a challenge cos once they're full of water they become really hard to carry. (if you try this at home you'll probably need help from 1 or more persons). As we carry one outside it gets tricky so we put it on top of a shed... and it immediately explodes! There is something strangely fun about that. It's also fun to plant condoms (especially opened/used-looking ones) in/on the bags of conservative people (as i have done), and watch Will putting a condom on his head (he has now mastered the art and can get it completely over his head and half his face, including over his nose, and breathe into it to make it blow up...). If i ever find a photo of it I'll have to add it to this blog, it was seriously sooo funny!
The above pranks are about the most fun you can have with condoms (other than their intended use) and i reckon that half the condoms given out by these clinics are used in these sorta ways. This must be why they've (supposedly) made A-Levels easier - cos students are spending time blowing up condoms instead of studying! (Altho there's nothing wrong with having fun, cos youre only young once! Exams are such a treadmill now that i'm beginning to spend more time blogging instead of revising, even though i have maths and general studies AS exams tomorrow!)
Another student way to have fun is mess about in school photos. The sixth form recently had to retake our photos because of one cool bloke in year 13 who dropped his trousers as the photo was taken. A few years ago we had one of those big photos of all the school and someone in the lower years whacked the guy next to him in the balls at the moment the photo was taken, and if you look carefully at the photo you can see him with his mouth open, yelling in pain. In a couple of years (sadly 1 year after i will have left) the school is going to have one of those long ones where you can stand at one end and run over to the other end so you appear in the photo twice.
Well that's all for today, I'm off to try and revise for 2 of the most boring/pointless subjects ever.
See ya.
Hel.

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