Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Heroic Familt Dog Drags Problem Child Back Into Burning Building

a classic spoof from The Spark:

Heroic Family Dog Drags Problem Child Back into Burning Building

Dover - Man's best friend made the ultimate sacrifice for Larry and Jen Randal yesterday, as the couple's cherished Retriever, Mrs. Cookie, leaped into a flaming building to ensure the demise of their obnoxious son. Four-year-old Billy Randal seemed about to escape a late-night blaze at the couple's suburban residence when the pet subdued the child and dragged him back to his death as the neighbors and parents he had tormented watched gratefully.
Mr. Randal said that the fire began accidentally when the vat of oily rags he stored in Billy's closet was ignited by one of the candles the family used for light. At the first sign of smoke, Mr. Randal quickly ushered his wife and Mrs. Cookie to safety, where they agreed that "maybe it was a good time to let the little guy catch up on his sleep."
A tense silence fell on the gathering crowd when crashing debris woke Billy, and the child stumbled toward the door. As the family watched helplessly from the sidewalk, the boy struggled free of the burning debris, his tiny body silhouetted against blaze.
Tragedy was avoided only when Mrs. Cookie sprung from Larry Randal's arms to pull the staggering, annoying four-year-old back into the fire. According to firefighters' reports, the dog, "like some kind of Darth Lassie," was gnawing on Billy's charred flesh even as it was itself overcome by flames.
Witnesses described the boy's screams as typically obnoxious. "But actual death shut Billy's mouth like no beating ever could," his thankful mother said.
She continued, "Billy changed the life of everyone who knew him. I'll never forget it when he pulled my hair and called me a lesbian." Mr. Randal added, "He would call me that, too." Billy was especially close to Mrs. Cookie, said his parents, "He would grip her ears and try to ride Cookie down the stairs or sometimes trick her into licking the stove. It's that kind of thing that inspired her to do what she did."
Shortly after the fire was extinguished, the family gathered with relatives and a few close friends at a nearby nightclub to come to terms with Billy's death.


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