Wednesday, July 28, 2004

ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS

. On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."(The shoplifter special)
. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."(And that would be how ...?)
. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(But its "just" a suggestion)
. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(Too late!)
. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(As night follows day . . .)
. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(One would hope.)
. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(As opposed to what?)
. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(Talk about a news flash.)
. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

blog 20th july (tuesday)

at home looking after mum today cos shes just come out of hospital yesterday. we were watching the movie "airplane!" today - twas v.funny.
i'll be posting some more about the saarbrucken experience, as i'm writing a piece about it for the school magazine now. of course there's stuff i can't really put in the magazine version, like getting drunk, or how many sex shops there were, or liam & florence shagging (fran found their pubes in the bed and we made jokes about it, and jo pronounced it well funny, like "poooubes!") but i'll try to give the humble persons of my school an idea of wot it was like (i.e. fun!).
I've been posting my pix from the trip on another blog that i created especially for it, click here for that... 
oh and the lovely blogger.com has changed the "post options" thing on this thing so basically i can do a lot more stuff like different coloured text. it was probably there all the time but only available if u clicked "more post options", which i never did. anyway: woo look at me im typing in lots of different colours! wow. god bless modern technology, as i believe the americans might say.
speaking of americans, on the news last night they were saying that the government (which is republican) hasn't allowed loads of black former criminals to vote in the upcoming election, and theyre largely democrat voters... thats cheating to stay in power! so much for "land of democracy" and all that. how can this be the country thats supposed to be "bringing democracy to iraq" (politian-speak for "blowing up iraq") if they don't have any democracy at home? the only thing i can think of to say about that rather hypocritical country is a very sarcastic "god bless america".

Sunday, July 11, 2004

The Saarblog (Saarbrücken Blog)

Some things which are very abundant in Saarbruecken:

Irish pubs (Jack would like that)
Sex shops (Will would like that)
Affordable clothes shops (Frankie would like that)
Ornate churches (Lara would like that)
Cobbled streets (no-one wearing high heels would like that! Amy on the trip learnt this the hard way)
Germans (because it's in germany).

In a bit more detail:

There were 2 irish pubs in the town of Saarbrucken, Saarland, Deutschland: Irish Pub (sometimes called O'Dwyer's Irish Pub, but the sign outside just said Irish Pub) and Wally's Irish Pub (aka the Fake Irish Pub, the Other Irish Pub or the Australian Irish Pub).
Irish Pub has a lot of events, like DJ night and karaeoke (its really weird to hear someone singing "Livin' on a Prayer" in German...) and a very popular pool table. Wally's doesn't have so much and we suggested they get a pool table to attract more people - we laughed about it and the australian owner dude said theyre not actually in competition with the other Irish Pub.

The first sex shop i saw was near the youth hostel and it was called "EROTIC GIGANT: Der MEGA-EROTIC Discounter". I'm sure you don't need to be learning german to be able to understand what that meant.
There was also a little place that showed porn films and had little booths for individuals, and from the outside it was obvious what it was, even if you couldnt read: neon pink and blue signs and pictures and mannequins of women in lingerie. some people wanted to have their photos taken outside it as it was the most obvious sex cinema in the world, but Simon went inside and got thrown out and the guy who threw him out came outside too, i'm guessing to make sure he left, so we didn't do any photos. Funny thing was that he got thrown out not because he was underage but because he was smoking - it would probably be different in England!
Also saw brothels in high streets, and Chelmsford Liam (I am calling him that in this blog so as to not confuse him with Liam at my school) said he saw a real prostitute for the first time in his life, but she was worse looking than in movies.

Some of the shops looked quite good and i would have liked to go shopping but i didn't get round to it, and i wanted to spend carefully anyway. Loads of shops have the word "Mc" in the name: "McPaper", "McShirt", etc. There was a McDonalds of course, but their chips (fries?) were a lot saltier than the ones in england so i didn't like them so much. Another place with a funny name was Wienerwald, a restaurant that i went to with Claire on sunday. They did nice burgers, and was quite nice inside, even though theres a zillion posssible jokes you could make about the name. there was also a french guy who paid for our lunch!
There was a shop called Karstadt or something and it was huge and painted black on the outside and had hardly any windows, which made you wonder what life was like for the people inside. Maybe they just don't like sunlight, or maybe there's no one in the parts of the building where there's no windows and they just work in the windowed bits.

There was a church called Johanneskirche which made a good landmark as it was big, in the centre of the town, and was next to a tram stop. I'm not much into architecture, and even less into religion, but the building looked interesting on the outside. there was also a similar building, which i think might have been the Rathaus (town hall), which had a green statue of a knight killing a dragon on one of the walls. Im not sure but i think some of the churches were "gothic" architecture.

It's full of cobbled streets which i'm guessing is a general German thing cos Enzo (family friend who used to live near us but moved to Berlin) said that he can't cycle in Berlin cos its got so many cobbled streets.

You don't need my rough guide to germany to tell you that the country is inhabited by many germans.

I'll probably be adding more stuff about this place later on, but i'm gonna have a break now. Ive been writing about it for the school magazine too, but ive got plenty of time (all summer) to do that. If it's a success, i think i'll do travel writing, like Bill Bryson etc., only under a psyeuodonym (cant spell it but it means pen-name) cos im a little shy, so itll be under the name "H. Fire" (of course).

Saturday, July 10, 2004

saarbrucken!

just got back from saarbrucken trip and now rather knackered. i must post some stuff about it soon cos its been awesome. goodnight blogreaders. from helen.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Signs that you drink too much..

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Job interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.

The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!

You can focus better with one eye closed.

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

You fall off the floor...

Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you

At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."

Your idea of cutting back is less salt.

You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.

The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...

You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].

Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractive.

Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

That damned pink elephant followed me home again.

Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.

I'm as jober as a sudge.

The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

You wake up screaming "TORO TORO TORO!" in the middle of the night.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

*gulp* shock horror: i may be related to a townie! :-(

my cousin (a) listens to bad house music (not even good house music... if u have to listen to that sorta music at all, at least listen to good examples of it!), and (b) hates rock music (a lot) - he reckons its all crap, even jimi hendrix and led zeppelin, and ozzy is a "cretin". bah. hes almost a townie! u dont really get townies in italy cos they dont have shell suits and cheap clothes/bling (italians are too stylish for that kinda stuff lol). but at least hes gonna buy the new issue of BURN magazine for me (i asked for it cos its got ville valo in it). :-) maybe townies have their uses after all.
mum saw mr T about the study arrangements and he said he wasnt happy with it either and wanted to change it anyways, so im probably gonna be safe from the evil presence of ollie ;-)
not much else to report today, except that im entering a competition in kerrang, i got a suit in portsmouth (for work) and had it adjusted (and chatted with mrs b on the way to pick it up - shes quite friendly outside of lessons), i spent ages watching reruns of "beavis & butt-head" (they rule!) and ive been playing football half the day. oh and its leavers service tomorrow. im gonna miss the year 13s, they were nice to us. and i bunked off community action day with some others cos there was nothing for us to do, and we're not in trouble or anything so its ok.