Wednesday, July 28, 2004

ACTUAL LABEL INSTRUCTIONS ON CONSUMER GOODS

. On a Sear's hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."(Gee that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside."(The shoplifter special)
. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."(And that would be how ...?)
. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."(But its "just" a suggestion)
. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."(Too late!)
. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."(As night follows day . . .)
. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."(But wouldn't this save me more time?)
. On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."(One would hope.)
. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."(As opposed to what?)
. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."(Talk about a news flash.)
. On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."( Step 3: Fly Delta.)
. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
. On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere? My God!)

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